Posts Tagged ‘Woman Marriage’
Marriage as a Student – Should I or Shouldn’t I?
Man has been created in such a way that he requires a companion throughout his life. It is a natural desire and inclination that has been placed within him through the bounty of Allah (SWT). This inclination is not merely of a carnal nature but it seeks a soulmate for companionship, love, trust, understanding and mercy.
It is for this reason that Allah (SWT) draws our attention to the purpose of creating males and females in pairs:
“And of His signs is that He created for you of your kind, spouses that you may take rest(live) with them, and set between you love and mercy. Of course, in that are insights for those who think.” (Sura 30, Verse 21)
The carnal desire experienced by males and females is primarily instituted to ensure the continuation of Allah’s vicegerents on earth i.e. the continuation of the human civilisation as we know it. It is extremely sad that as Muslims we have forgotten this extremely important aspect of being unified with the opposite sex and have resorted to building it simply on our base desires.
Young students on campus are not immune to the attractions felt towards the opposite sex. This attraction usually starts out as a physical, lustful desire and eventually progresses into a relationship between two individuals. Most students on campus range in age from around 18 to 25, the beginning of the prime of their youth. They are no longer children and are well on their way into adulthood.
As a result many are faced with a dilemma while attending campus in that they have either found a suitable marriage partner or would like to find themselves one to protect them from the evils of zina. The question then arises as to whether they are ready for marriage, both emotionally and financially. They are generally not supported by their parents in their views and so end up continuing to engage in relationships with members of the opposite sex to satisfy their emotional and sometimes physical needs.
Premarital Relationships
Before continuing, it is imperative that we understand unequivocally that all relationships between males and females who are not mahram (i.e. they can marry one another according to shariah) beyond necessity are completely haraam (forbidden). We sometimes try to find ways around this rule in order to satisfy ourselves that what we are doing is still within the bounds of shariah because our intentions are pure.
This restriction is the order and hukm of Allah (SWT) and even if it is our intention to marry the person in the near future, we are completely precluded from engaging in any relationship with them beyond that which is necessary.
How do I know if I’m ready for marriage?
Now that we have cleared up any shari’ misunderstandings, let us briefly look at what pillars need to be solidified before a young person can be classified as ready for marriage. The main issues that affect the marriage relationship are financial and emotional ones.
The most important aspect of being able to live with another person for the rest of your life is your ability to compromise. It is easy to live through issues that you are both in agreement with. No one has a difficult time dealing with someone who agrees with them. It is when there is a disagreement, be it small or big, that relationships begin to crumble. Emotionally, one has to be able to deal with such situations. Again, our deen is so complete that it encompasses all areas needed to live a good and pure life.
We need to study the sunnah advices for married couples and identify whether we are prepared to make these sacrifices for our spouses. As women we need to be understanding towards men’s inability to always control their temper and as men we need to consider some women’s inability to control their tongues. As men we need to learn to control those tempers and as women those tongues. No matter how much financial wealth we bring into the marriage, if we are deficient in emotional wealth the marriage will be a failure from the start.
On a financial level society has placed certain expectations on a married couple that sometimes tend to go beyond the capabilities of any young individual. Moreover they often transgress the guidelines given by shariah when it comes to marriage.
Hazrat Ayesha (RA) narrates that Rasulullah (SAW) said: “The marriage that involves least burden is the one that produces the most blessing.” (Bai Haqi)
Despite this very clear hadith it is found that married couples are expected to have lavish wedding parties, purchase brand new cars for both parties and be able to find five star, fully furnishedaccommodation in the most upmarket suburbs. A married couple that is unable to maintain such standards is considered one that is battling or sad. Sometimes we even degenerate to speculating that they may be expecting an unexpected child and so had to rush the marriage despite the lack of financial means. May Allah (SWT) save us from such filthy notions.
There is no doubt that a husband must have the means to be able to support his wife. No marriage is ever built on “love and fresh air”. A few rands and dollars are definitely required. But as unmarried students we are willing to live in student style accommodation, drive a battered second hand car and flash our student cards at every possible shopping expedition in the hope of getting a measly studentdiscount. A day later when the words of nikah are said we are immediately expected to produce a platinum credit card with an unlimited facility. Is there any logic in such behaviour?
On the other hand we find parents that are willing to shower their children with expensive cars and clothes, lavish overseas holidays and unlimited spending money but when the question of marriage is raised their blanket response is that the child “must be able to stand on his or her own two feet.” How far have we strayed from our beautiful deen that we are willing to spend our wealth in Allah (SWT)’s disobedience but when it comes to protecting the izzat and respect of our sons and daughters we are so miserly?
It is reported by Hazrat Abu Sa’id (RA) and Hazrat Abdullah Ibn Abbas (RA) that the Messenger of Allah (SAW) said, “He who has a child born to him should give it a good name and a good education and marry it when it reaches puberty. If he does not marry it when it reaches puberty and it commits sin, the guilt rests only upon its father.” (Bai Haqi)
Will marriage change my life?
A common question among youngsters who want to get married is whether marriage will change their lives. The natural response to this question is yes, your life will undoubtedly change. How can it not when you’re sharing it with a whole other person? The question is whether it will change for the better or worse. The first aspect of change boils down to one’s level of maturity. If you are the type of individual that lacks discipline in your studies and will be distracted by a partner being around all the time, then you are not ready for marriage.
On the other hand as a joint team you can achieve so much more than you would on your own. There is someone to share the household responsibilities with, a partner to assist you in your studies and motivate you towards achieving good results as well as the companion that you have been created to desire.
Many young students live their lives with a haraam partner from the opposite sex and seem to be able to cope with their studies. They spend all day together at campus and some even share their living arrangements with each other. How is this different, from a practical perspective, to marriage? Should it not be easier if the relationship is blessed with the added bonus of Allah (SWT) divine nusrat and help?
Conclusion
There is no doubt that in today’s environment of fitnah and haraam, young students are easily tempted to being led astray. It is extremely difficult to maintain one’s haya and modesty when the ropes of shaytaan are tugging so strongly at one’s nafs. At such a time we need to recognise that Allah (SWT) has created us with an inner desire for the companionship of the opposite sex and has made it lawful for us to engage in such relationships within the bounds of nikah. There is no compulsion on the quality of life that needs to be lead financially. All we need to ensure is that we have the ability to support ourselves practically, be it through scholarships or part time work or through the efforts of our parents and that we have the emotional intelligence to manage the relationship.
If you are entering the campus environment or are there already and are seriously concerned about the level of your imaan and protecting your chastity, you need to conscientiously explore the possibility of marriage through halaal means. If you are already in an illicit relationship and would like to make your partner a husband or wife in the future, you need to set the wheels in motion to get married as soon as possible. If you don’t have the financial means or feel you are emotionally not ready, then it is imperative that you end the haraam relationship and say to your partner that it will only resume once you have the means to get married. If they are truly meant for you and for them, you will be able to wait until the time is right. In the meanwhile, get down on your musallah and fervently pray to Allah (SWT) to open a way for you get married as soon as possible.
May Allah (SWT) grant all those who are married blessed marriages, all those who want to get married pious partners and all those who are unable to get married patience in their time of difficulty.
Hazrat Ibn Abbas (RA) has said that Rasoolullah (SAW) has said, “You have not seen anything like marriage for increasing the love of two people.” (Mishkat)
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Islamic Marriage RULES !
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Exposing Fake Myth : Muslim women are forced in marriage?
There is a halal arranged marriage and a haram one. It is OK to arrange marriages by suggestion and recommendation as long as both parties are agreeable. The other arranged marriage is when parents choose the future spouse and the couple concerned is forced or have no choice in the matter. One of the conditions of a valid marriage is consent of the couple.
Marriage by definition is a voluntary union of two people.
Islam has honoured woman is by giving her the right to choose her husband. Her parents have no right to force her to marry someone she dislikes. The Muslim woman knows this right, but she does not reject the advice and guidance of her parents when a potential suitor comes along, because they have her best interests at heart, and they have more experience of life and people. At the same time, she does not forego this right because of her father’s wishes that may make him force his daughter into a marriage with someone she dislikes.
“A girl came to the Prophet (peace be upon him) and informed him that her father had married her to her cousin against her wishes, where upon the Prophet allowed her to exercise her choice. She then said, ‘I am reconciled to what my father did but I wanted to make it known to women that fathers have no right to say in this matter”. [Narrated by Imam Bukhari See Fath al Bari, 9/194, Kitab al-nikah, bab ikrah al-bint ‘ala al-zawaj; Ibn Majah, 1/602, Kitab al-nikah, bab man zawwaja ibnatahu wa hiya karihah; al-Mabsut 5/2.]
There are many other texts that support the couple in this sensitive issue, another same report quoted by Imam Bukhari from al-Khansa’ bint Khidam:
“My father married me to his nephew, and I did not like this match, so I complained to the Messenger of Allah (Peace be upon him). He said to me: `Accept what your father has arranged.’ I said, `I do not wish to accept what my father has arranged.’ He said, `Then this marriage is invalid, go and marry whomever you wish.’ I said, `I have accepted what my father has arranged, but I wanted women to know that fathers have no right in their daughter’s matters (i.e. they have no right to force a marriage on them”
At first, the Prophet (Peace be upon him) told al-Khansa’ to obey her father, and this is as it should be, because the concern of fathers for their daughters’ well-being is well-known. But when he realized that her father wanted to force her into a marriage she did not want, he gave her the freedom to choose, and saved her from the oppression of a father who wanted to force her into an unwanted marriage.
Islam does not want to impose an unbearable burden man or woman by forcing them to marry someone whom they dislike, because it wants marriages to be successful, based on compatibility between the partners; there should be common ground between them in terms of physical looks, attitudes, habits, inclinations and aspirations.
A warning from the Scholars against the invalidity of forced marriages within Islaam.
“Do not prevent them from marrying their husbands when they agree between themselves in a lawful manner.” [Noble Quran 2:232]
1. Question: Is it permissible for a father to compel his daughter into a marriage with someone she does not desire?
Answer: It is not permissible for the father or someone besides him to compel the one who is under his guardianship to marry someone she does not desire to marry. Rather, it is necessary to seek her consent and permission due to the saying of the Messenger (sallallaahu ’alayhi wa sallam):
The virgin is not to be married until her consent has been sought. They said: O Messenger of Allaah! What is her consent? He replied: Her silence. And in another wording: And regarding the virgin, her father seeks her consent and her consent is her silence.
Therefore it is obligatory upon the father when she reaches the age of nine or greater that he asks for her consent. It is likewise for her guardians, they do not marry her without her consent. This is obligatory upon all of them. Whoever marries his daughter without permission/consent then the marriage is not correct because one of the conditions of the marriage is the consent and pleasure of both parties. So if he marries her without her being pleased with it and compels her with strong threats or even beating, the marriage is not valid…
It is required from the prospective husband, when he knows that she does not desire him for marriage, that he does not pursue the matter even if her father facilitates this for him (give him permission). It is obligatory for him to fear Allaah and not to come to the woman who does not want him for marriage… It is obligatory for him to beware of what Allaah has made unlawful upon him and this is because the Messenger (sallallaahu ’alayhi wa sallam) ordered the girls consent to be sought (first).
Shaikh Bin Baaz in Fataawal-Mar’ah Vol. 2. p.50
2. Question: I have a sister and my father married her to someone without seeking her opinion and without her being pleased with it. She is twenty-one years of age and he made a false testimony for the marriage contract (saying) that the girl agrees to the marriage… So what is the ruling regarding this marriage contract…?
Answer: …However the correct saying in this matter is that it is not lawful for the father or any one else to compel the girl into marriage with someone she does not desire even if he is suitable, because the Messenger (sallallaahu ’alayhi wa sallam) said:
Do not marry the virgin until her permission has been sought. And this is general – no one is exempted from it, not (even) her guardians. It is reported in Saheeh Muslim: The virgin, her father is to seek her consent... Shaikh Ibn Uthaimeen in Fataawal-Mar’ah Vol. 1. p.47
Another Fatwa from “Al-Masa’il ul-Mardiniyyah” Translated by Abu `Abdullah Muhammad al-Jibali
May a father force his virgin daughter who attained puberty to marry? Two well-known opinions in this regard are reported from Ahmad: That he may compel her. This is also the opinion of Malik, ash-Shafi`i, and others.
That he may not. This is also the opinion of Abu Hanifah and others, and is the correct one.
People have differed as to the reason permitting the compulsion: whether it is virginity, the daughter being under-aged, or a combination of both. The closest opinion to the truth is her being under-aged, whereas no one can compel a grown-up virgin in marriage. Abu Hurayrah reported that the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said:
“A non-virgin woman may not be married without her command, and a virgin may not be married without her permission; and enough permission for her is to remain silent (because of her natural shyness).” [Al-Bukhari, Muslim, and others]
Thus the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him), prohibits forcing a virgin in marriage without her permission, whether it be her father or someone else. Furthermore, Ayshah said that she asked the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) “In the case of a young girl whose parents marry her, should her permission be sought or not?” He replied, “Yes, she must give her permission.” She then said, “But a virgin will be shy, O Allah’s Messenger.” He answered:
“Her silence is [considered as] her permission.” [Al-Bukhari, Muslim, and others]
This applies to the father as well as others. Furthermore, Islam does not give the father the right to use any of her wealth without her permission, how then could he be allowed to decide, without her permission, how her body (which is more important than her wealth) is to be used, specially when she disagrees to that and is mature to decide for herself?
Also, there is evidence and consensus in Islam to restrict an underage person’s free control of his wealth or person. However, to make a virginity a reason for the restriction contradicts the Islamic basis.
As for the difference between the non-virgin and virgin in the hadith of the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him), it is not a differentiation between compulsion and non-compulsion; the difference between the two cases is that (a) the former gives her instructions for the marriage whereas the latter gives permission, and that (b) the virgin’s silence counts as a permission. The reason for this is that a virgin would be shy to discuss the matter of marriage, so she is not proposed to directly; rather, her walee (guardian) is approached, he takes her permission, and then she gives him the permission not the command to marry her.
And as for a non-virgin, she would not have the shyness of virginity anymore; thus she can discuss the matter of her marriage, she can be proposed to, and she gives the command to her wali to perform the marriage, and he must obey her.
Thus the wali is command-executor in the case of the non-virgin, and is permission-seeker in the case of the virgin. This is what the Prophet’s words indicate. As for compelling her to marry despite her loathing to do so, this would contradict the fundamentals and reason. Allah did not permit a wali to force her to sell or rent her property without her permission. Neither did He permit him to force her to eat or drink or wear that which she does not wish. How would He then oblige her to accompany and copulate with a person whose company she hates – at the time when Allah has sent between the two spouses love and mercy? If such company happens despite her hatred and repulsion, where is the love and mercy?
More Ahadiths proving that It is Prohibited to Marry woman without her will
Narrated AbuHurayrah: “The Prophet (peace be upon him) said: An orphan virgin girl should be consulted about herself; if she says nothing that indicates her permission, but if she refuses, the authority of the guardian cannot be exercised against her will. (Translation of Sunan Abu-Dawud, Marriage (Kitab Al-Nikah), Book 11, Number 2088)”
Narrated Abdullah ibn Umar: ”The Prophet (peace be upon him) said: Consult women about (the marriage of) their daughters. (Translation of Sunan Abu-Dawud, Marriage (Kitab Al-Nikah), Book 11, Number 2090)”
Narrated Abdullah ibn Abbas: ”A virgin came to the Prophet (peace be upon him) and mentioned that her father had married her against her will, so the Prophet (peace be upon him) allowed her to exercise her choice. (Translation of Sunan Abu-Dawud, Marriage (Kitab Al-Nikah), Book 11, Number 2091)”
Narrated Abdullah ibn Abbas: ”The Prophet (peace be uponhim) said: A guardian has no concern with a woman previously married and has no husband, and an orphan girl (i.e. virgin) must be consulted, her silence being her acceptance. (Translation of Sunan Abu-Dawud, Marriage (Kitab Al-Nikah), Book 11, Number 2095)”
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