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In The name of Allah,The Most Merciful,The Most gracious

Does Islam regard men and women as equal?

Composed and Edited By Princess-im Muslimah

Firstly:

This word – equality – which many thinkers in both the east and the west advocate in various fields of life is a word which is based on deviation and a lack of understanding, especially when the speaker attributes this idea of equality to the Qur’aan and to Islam.

One of the things that people misunderstand is when they say that “Islam is the religion of equality”. What they should say is that Islam is the religion of justice.

Shaykh Ibn ‘Uthaymeen (may Allaah have mercy on him) said:

“Here we should note that there are some people who speak of equality instead of justice, and this is a mistake. We should not say equality, because equality implies no differentiation between the two. Because of this unjust call for equality, they started to ask, what is the difference between male and female?’ So they made males and females the same, and then the communists said, ‘What difference is there between ruler and subject? No one has any authority over anyone else, not even fathers and sons; the father has no authority over his son,’ and so on.

But if we say justice, which means giving each one that to which he or she is entitled, this misunderstanding no longer applies, and the word used is correct. Hence it does not say in the Qur’aan that Allaah enjoins equality, rather it says (interpretation of the meaning):

“Verily, Allaah enjoins Al‑‘Adl (i.e. justice)” [al-Nahl 16:90]

“and that when you judge between men, you judge with justice” [al-Nisa’ 4:58]

Those who say that Islam is the religion of equality are lying against Islam. Rather Islam is the religion of justice which means treating equally those who are equal and differentiating between those who are different.

No one who knows the religion of Islam would say that it is the religion of equality.  Rather what shows you that this principle is false is the fact that most of what is mentioned in the Qur’aan denies equality, as in the following verses:

‘Say: Are those who know equal to those who know not?” [al-Zumar 39:9]

‘Say: Is the blind equal to the one who sees? Or darkness equal to light?’ [al-Ra’d 13:16]

‘Not equal among you are those who spent and fought before the conquering (of Makkah, with those among you who did so later’ [al-Hadeed 57:10]

‘Not equal are those of the believers who sit (at home), except those who are disabled (by injury or are blind or lame), and those who strive hard and fight in the Cause of Allaah with their wealth and their live’ [al-Nisa’ 4:95]

Not one single letter in the Qur’aan enjoins equality, rather it enjoins justice. You will also find that the word justice is acceptable to people, for I feel that if I am better than this man in terms of knowledge, or wealth, or piety, or in doing good, I would not like for him to be equal to me.

Every man knows that he find it unacceptable if we say that the male is equal to the female.”

Sharh al-‘Aqeedah al-Waasitah, 1/180-181

Based on this, Islam does not regard men and women as equal in matters where regarding them as equal would result in injustice to one of them, because equality that is inappropriate is a severe form of injustice.

The Qur’aan commands women to wear clothes that are different from those worn by men, because of the differences in the ways each sex is tempted by the other. The temptation posed by men is less than the temptation posed by women, so the clothes that women should wear are different than the clothes that men wear. It makes no sense to tell women to expose the parts of the body that men are allowed to expose, because of the differences in the temptation posed by a woman’s body and a man’s body – as we shall explain.

Secondly:

There are matters in which men and women are treated differently in Islamic sharee’ah, such as:

1 – Qiwaamah (being in charge of the household)

Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

“Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allaah has made one of them to excel the other, and because they spend (to support them) from their means”

[al-Nisa’ 4:34]

Ibn Katheer (may Allaah have mercy on him) said:

“Allaah says ‘Men are the protectors and maintainers of women’ meaning that the man is in charge of the woman, i.e., he is the leader and head of the household, the one who disciplines her if she goes astray.

‘because Allaah has made one of them to excel the other’ i.e., because men are superior to women and are  better than women. Hence Prophethood was given only to men, as was the position of khaleefah, because the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said, ‘No people shall ever prosper who appoint a woman as their ruler.’ This was narrated by al-Bukhaari from the hadeeth of ‘Abd al-Rahmaan ibn Abi Bakrah from his father. The same applies to the position of qaadi (judge), etc.

‘and because they spend (to support them) from their means’ refers to the mahr and the spending on women’s maintenance that Allaah has enjoined upon men in His Book and in the Sunnah of His Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him). So a man is inherently better than a woman, and he is superior to her because he spends on her. So it is appropriate that he should be in charge of her, as Allaah says, ‘but men have a degree (of responsibility) over them’ [al-Baqarah 2:228].

‘Ali ibn Abi Talhah said, narrating from Ibn ‘Abbaas: ‘Men are the protectors and maintainers of women’ means that men are the leaders of women and they should obey them in areas where Allaah has enjoined obedience. Obedience may mean treating his family kindly and protecting his wealth.”

(Tafseer Ibn Katheer, 1/490)

2 – Testimony or bearing witness. The Qur’aan states that the testimony of one man is equivalent to the testimony of two women.

There are about five verses in the Qur’an that mention witnesses, without specifying male or female. There is only one verse in the Qur’an, that says two female witnesses are equal to one male witness. This verse is Surah Baqarah, chapter 2 verse 282. This is the longest verse in the Qur’an and deals with financial transactions. It says: 

“And get two witnesses out of your own men. And if there are not two men (available), then a man and two women, such as you agree for witnesses, so that if one of them (two women) errs, the other can remind her”

[al-Baqarah 2:282]

This verse of the Qur’an deals only with financial transactions. In such cases, it is advised to make an agreement in writing between the parties and take two witnesses, preferably both of which should be men only. In case you cannot find two men, then one man and two women would suffice.

For instance, suppose a person wants to undergo an operation for a particular ailment. To confirm the treatment, he would prefer taking references from two qualified surgeons. In case he is unable to find two surgeons, his second option would be one surgeon and two general practitioners who are plain MBBS doctors.

Similarly in financial transactions, two men are preferred. Islam expects men to be the breadwinners of their families. Since financial responsibility is shouldered by men, they are expected to be well versed in financial transactions as compared to women. As a second option, the witness can be one man and two women, so that if one of the women errs the other can remind her. The Arabic word used in the Qur’an is ‘Tazil’ which means ‘confused’ or ‘to err’. Many have wrongly translated this word as ‘to forget’. Thus financial transactions constitute the only case in which two female witnesses are equal to one male witness.

There are about five verses in the Qur’an which speak about witnesses without specifying man or woman.

While making a will of inheritance, two just persons are required as witnesses. In Surah Maidah chapter 5 verse 106, the Glorious Qur’an says:

“Oh you who believe! When death approaches any of you, (take) witnesses among yourself when making bequests.” [Al-Qur’an 5:106]

Two just persons of your own (brotherhood) or other from outside if you are journeying through the earth and the chance of death befalls you.” [Al-Qur’an 65:2]

Two persons endued with justice in case of talaq.

“Four witnesses are required in case of charge against chaste women, [Al-Qur’an 24:4] 

The seeming inequality of male and female witnesses in financial transactions is not due to any inequality of the sexes in Islam. It is only due to the different natures and roles of men and women in society as envisaged by Islam.

3 – A woman inherits half of what a man inherits.

Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

“Allaah commands you as regards your children’s (inheritance): to the male, a portion equal to that of two females”

[al-Nisa’ 4:11]

In Islam a woman has no financial obligation and the economical responsibility lies on the shoulders of the man. Before a woman is married it is the duty of the father or brother to look after the lodging, boarding, clothing and other financial requirements of the woman. After she is married it is the duty of the husband or the son. Islam holds the man financially responsible for fulfilling the needs of his family. In order to do be able to fulfill the responsibility the men get double the share of the inheritance. For example, if a man dies leaving about Rs. One Hundred and Fifty Thousand, for the children (i.e one son and one daughter) the son inherits One Hundred Thousand rupees and the daughter only Fifty Thousand rupees. Out of the one hundred thousand which the son inherits, as his duty towards his family, he may have to spend on them almost the entire amount or say about eighty thousand and thus he has a small percentage of inheritance, say about twenty thousand, left for himself. On the other hand, the daughter, who inherits fifty thousand is not bound to spend a single penny on anybody. She can keep the entire amount for herself. Would you prefer inheriting one hundred thousand rupees and spending eighty thousand from it, or inheriting fifty thousand rupees and having the entire amount to yourself?

Al-Qurtubi said:

Because Allaah knows better than they do what is in their best interests, He made the division of inheritance based on differentiation, because He knows what is in their best interests.

Tafseer al-Qurtubi, 5/164

For example, a man is obliged to spend more than a woman, so it is appropriate that he should have a larger share of inheritance than a woman.

4 – Clothing:

A woman’s ‘awrah includes her entire body. The least that can be said is that she should not uncover anything except her face and hands, and it was said that she should not even uncover that.

Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

“O Prophet! Tell your wives and your daughters and the women of the believers to draw their cloaks (veils) all over their bodies (i.e. screen themselves completely except the eyes or one eye to see the way). That will be better, that they should be known (as free respectable women) so as not to be annoyed. And Allaah is Ever Oft‑Forgiving, Most Merciful”

[al-Ahzaab 33:59]

The ‘awrah of a man is the area from the navel to the knees.

It was said to ‘Abd-Allaah ibn Ja’far ibn Abi Taalib, “Tell us what you heard from the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) and what you saw of him, and do not tell us about anyone else, even if he was trustworthy.” He said, “I heard the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) say, ‘The area between the navel and the knee is ‘awrah.’”

Narrated by al-Haakim in al-Mustadrak (6418); classed as hasan by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Jaami’, 5583.

There are many other difference which people usually quotes, but they forget that man and woman cant be alike, They are EQUAL but not SIMILAR ! ! 

“And the male is not like the female”

[Aal ‘Imraan 3:36]

The male is different from the female in many ways, in his strength, in his body, in his toughness and roughness, whereas women are soft and gentle.

And men are different in intellectual terms, for men are known for their strength of understanding and their memory as compared to women. Women are weaker than men in memory and forget more than men do. This is well known, for most of the reputable scholars in the world are men. There are some women who are more intelligent and have better memories than some men, but this does not cancel out the general rule. Most cases are as we have described above.

With regard to emotions, men speak of them when they get angry or when they are happy, but women are affected by the slightest emotional effects, so their tears flow at the slightest emotional provocation.

Jihad is obligatory for men, but jihad in the sense of fighting is not obligatory for women. This is the mercy of Allaah towards them, and consideration for their nature.

In conclusion we may say that the rulings for men are not like the rulings for women.

Thirdly:

Islam regards men and women as equally obliged with regard to many acts of worship and interactions with others. For example, women do wudoo’ just as men do, they do ghusl as men do, they pray as men do, and they fast as men do, except when they are menstruating or bleeding following childbirth. Women pay zakaah as men pay zakaah, and they do Hajj as men do, except for a few differences in the rulings. It is permissible and acceptable to buy from a woman, and if a woman gives charity, that is permissible. It is permissible for a woman to set free the slaves that she owns, and there are many other similar cases because women are the twin halves of men, as it says in the hadeeth:

It was narrated that ‘Aa’ishah said: “Prophet Peace be Upon him said: women are the twin halves of men.”

(Narrated by al-Tirmidhi, 113; Ahmad, 25663. Classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Tirmidhi, 98)

Higher Status given to Woman – Never found in any other religion

Honor as Mother : 

A man came to the Messenger of Allaah SAWS (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) and said, “O Messenger of Allaah, who among people is most deserving of my good company?” He said, “Your mother.” He asked, “Then who?” He said, “Your mother.” He asked, “Then who?” He said, “Your mother.” He asked, “Then who?” He said, “Then your father.” (Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 5626; Muslim, 2548)

Islam honours women as daughters.

It was narrated from Abu Sa’eed al-Khudri that the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said:

“Whoever has three daughters or three sisters, or two daughters or two sisters, and takes good care of them and fears Allaah with regard to them, will enter Paradise.” (Narrated by Ibn Hibbaan in his Saheeh, 2/190)

  Honor as a “Wife”

  The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said:

“The best among you are those who treat their wives in the best manner.” – Al-Tirmidhi, Hadith 217

In the Holy Qur’an, Allah (SWT) points to marital bond as one of His signs and says, 

“Among His signs is that He has created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts). Verily in that are Signs for those who reflect.” (30:21).

A virtuous wife is always a source of tranquility, love and mercy, as we find these in the great Muslim lady like Khadijah (R.A), the first wife of the Prophet (Peace be upon him). Allah says,

 “It is He Who created you from a single person, and made his mate of like nature in order that he might dwell with her in love….” (7:189).

In Surah Baqarah (2:187) it is mentioned that

 “they (wives) are your garments and you are their garments”. The inward meaning of garment is peace and security. 

“Consort with them graciously. If you dislike them, it may be that you dislike something in which Allah has placed much good. (4:20)

The Prophet, peace be upon him, was most emphatic in enjoining upon Muslims to be kind to their women when he delivered his famous sermon (Arabic: khutba on the Mount of Mercy, at Arafat, in the presence of one hundred and twenty-four thousand of his Companions who had gathered there for the Hajj al-Wada (Farewell Pilgrimage). In it he ordered those present, and through them all those Muslims who were to come later, to be respectful and kind towards women. He said:

“Fear Allah regarding women. Verily you have married them with the trust of Allah, and made their bodies lawful with the word of Allah. You have got (rights) over them, and they have got (rights) over you in respect of their food and clothing according to your means.”

Honor as a Woman – Not a Sexual Toy ! 

Click below here :

Why Hijab ? 

Virtues and Beauty of Hijab

Conclusion:

Women are like men in some aspects and they differ from them in others. Most of the rulings of Islam apply to men and women equally. In cases where a distinction is made between the sexes, the Muslim regards that as a mercy from Allaah and a sign of His knowledge of His creation, but the arrogant kaafir sees it as oppression and injustice, so he stubbornly insists on claiming that men and women are the same. So let him tell us how a man can carry a foetus and breastfeed it?  He stubbornly ignores the weakness of women and how they bleed during their monthly period, and he stubbornly beat his head against the rock of reality. But the Muslim is still at peace with his faith, surrendering to the command of Allaah.

“Should not He Who has created know? And He is the Most Kind and Courteous (to His slaves), All‑Aware (of everything)” [al-Mulk 67:14 – interpretation of the meaning]

And Allaah knows best.

Composed and Edited By Princess-im Muslimah

 

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In The name of Allah,The Most Merciful,The Most gracious 

Choosing the Desired Wife


When seriously considering marriage, you must pose the question to yourself as to just what kind of wife you want, what her qualities should be in order to establish an Islamic and peaceful household, and how you will know who she is.

All praise is due to Allaah, Lord of the worlds, the Merciful, the Hearer of supplications, and peace and blessings upon our beloved and humble prophet Muhammad,and upon his family and companions.
When marriage is spoken of during these “modern” times, Muslims become horrified, conjuring images of an arranged marriage, trying to find that “perfect” companion, how much of a financial burden it will become, and so on. The reality is that Islam came to solve these problems, not exacerbate them, yet unfortunately we have integrated our local traditions and customs with Islam so that marriage has become a major concern for a man rather than a delightful experience.

When living in a free, perverted and corrupt Western society, the Muslim male youth finds many temptations and tests, as a result of mixing with females, which he must face and overcome. He must constantly resist these temptations, which are thrown at him in the streets, on the media, and at work. And so the wisdom of the Prophet (s.a.w) echoes on,when he said: “O young men, those among you who can support a wife should marry, for it restrains the eyes from casting (evil glances), and preserves one from immorality…”

When seriously considering marriage, you must pose the question to yourself as to just what kind of wife you want, what her qualities should be in order to establish an Islamic and peaceful household, and how you will know who she is. As Muslims, we believe that Allaah wants the best for us, and that His Prophet (s.a.w) illustrated this through his own life. So note that by following the advise of our own Creator, and that of His beloved servant, we can only be successful.

Whom To Marry?! 

Islam is clear on the kind of wife you should be seeking. The Prophet (s.a.w) said:

“A woman may be married for four reasons: for her property, her status, her beauty, and her religion; so try to get one who is religious, may you be blessed.”

This specifically defines just what kind of a companion we are seeking, for if we marry her for anything other than her religious piety, our marriage is bound to fall into misery. True, beauty and charm is hard to resist, yet beauty does not last forever and does not guarantee you her obedience and religiousness. Financial status is dynamic, and so is worldly status, yet religion strongly establishes a household, and it may be that through your intention of marrying her for her religion, the rest is given to you anyway.

In another hadith, the Prophet (s.a.w) said: “The whole world is a provision, and the best object of benefit of the world is the pious woman.”

Imagine! Nothing in this world is as valuable as a pious woman! This point has been stressed many times by RasulAllaah (s.a.w), who himself, when asked what three things he loved the most, mentioned a pious woman.

Once the following ayah was revealed: “They who hoard up gold and silver and do not spend it in the way of Allaah, unto them give tidings of a painful doom. On that day when it will (all) be heated in the fire of Jahannam, and their foreheads and flanks and their backs will be branded therewith (and it will be said to them):

‘Here is what you hoarded for yourselves, now taste of what you used to hoard’ “[al-Taubah: 34-35]. Umar (r.a.a) has been quoted to say that, when this ayah was revealed, he approached the Prophet (s.a.w), submitting that the ayah weighed heavily on the minds of the Sahaba. RasulAllaah (s.a.w) replied that the best thing to be treasured is the devoted wife who causes pleasure when seen, obeys orders instantly and takes full care of herself and her husbands property when he is away.

Abu Bakr once asked RasulAllaah (s.a.w) what was the best thing to be treasured, and he (s.a.w) replied: “the tongue in remembrance of Allaah, the heart filled with thanks to Allaah, and a pious wife who helps in virtuous deeds”.

Look at how valuable such a woman is in the sight of Allaah! How can a man live unhappily with such a person.

Qualities of a Pious Woman

Alright, you say, you’ve convinced me, but what actually makes her a pious woman? The answer is simple: Allaah himself has described those qualities most loved by Him in the Qur’an, and in the ahadith there are numerous accounts of the virtuous attributes of a pious woman. The following are some ayahs on the attributes of the wife you should be seeking, so note those fine and appreciative qualities.

The following are some ayahs on the attributes of the wife you should be seeking, so note those fine and appreciative qualities.

“And women of purity are for men of purity, and men of purity are for women of purity”[s.24;v.26]

“Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient, and guard in (the husbands) absence what Allaah would have them guard”[s.4;v.34]

“It may be, if he divorced you (all), that Allaah will give him in exchange consorts better than you, who submit (Muslims), who believe, who are devout, who turn to Allaah in repentance, who worship (in humility), who travel (for faith) and fast…”[s.66;v.5].

And then, in surah Ahzab, is a full list of those qualities loved by Allaah, qualities which by the way should be evident in both males and females. So, my dear brother, choose her for the following attributes:

-a Muslim woman
 -a believing woman
-a devout woman
-a true woman
-a woman who is patient and constant
-a woman who humbles herself
-a woman who gives charity
-a woman who fasts and denies herself
-a woman who guards her chastity
-a woman who engages much in Allaah’s praise.

Among the four known perfect women was Maryam. She was loved by Allaah because of her religious qualities:

“O Maryam! Worship your Lord: prostrate yourself, and bow down (in prayer) with those who bow down”[s.3;v.43].

Another was the wife of Pharaoh: “And Allaah sets forth, as an example to those who believe, the wife of Pharaoh: behold she said: ‘O my Lord, build for me, in nearness to Thee, a mansion in the Garden’ “[s.66;v.11].
The Prophet (s.a.w) loved his wives because of their religious qualities. Aisha once related the fine qualities of Zainab: “(Zainab) was the one who was somewhat equal in rank with me in the eyes of Allaah’s Messenger (s.a.w), and I have never seen a woman more advanced in religious piety than Zainab, more God-conscious, more truthful, more alive to the ties of blood, more generous and having more sense of self-sacrifice in practical life and having more charitable disposition and thus more closer to Allaah, the Exalted, than her.”

Ah, you think, but you’ll never find such a woman! Well, if that was true, Allaah would not have described her in the first place, and furthermore those qualities were emanating from the women described above. Islam deals with reality, not fiction. Sure, the perfect woman doesn’t exist, yet

“if you take a dislike to them, it may be that you dislike a thing, and Allaah brings about through it a great deal of good”[s.4;v.19].

Remember also that you are not perfect either.

Knowing Who She Is ?! 

To find that pious woman, there are two steps to be taken, and that first one relies on your personal observation. In surah Nisaa, Allaah asks the believing women that they should

“lower their gaze and guard their modesty; that they should not display their beauty and ornaments,” and also that they “should not strike their feet in order to draw attention to their hidden ornaments”[s.24;v.31].

If you notice a woman acting modestly, being not too obvious through her actions (by lowering her voice when around men), one who attempts to hide her attractions (which includes her external beauty as well as her internal charms), then you know she has some of those precious qualities. When you see a woman unashamedly flirting, unconcerned about her revealing clothes, and freely converses with males- keep far, far away. I’m sure when you get married you want your wife to devote her love to you, not to twenty other “just good friends”.

Through simple observation, you can get a glimpse of her nature; for example, the way she stands when conversing, how she maintains eye-contact, her clothes, where she spends her time etc. Look for her strong points, and don’t stress on her weak ones.

Yet, after all this, we still have to come to the most important topic. You can look all you want at her, set a private investigator to track her Yet, after all this, we still have to come to the most important topic. You can look all you want at her, set a private investigator to track her movements, read her diaries (all of which I consider extreme and unIslamic), yet, my dear brother, no-one knows her heart and intentions, no-one knows whether she will turn sour or more religious, or whether you are suitable for each other, except for Allaah.

Trust in Allah! 

We are choosing our wife for her permanent values; namely her religious devotions, moral integrity, character etc. But believe me, if we try ourselves to combine a marriage, we are almost sure to fail, because we have no knowledge.
Allaah loves a servant when he puts his trust in Him. When we do so, it is illustrating how we rely upon Him for help, and proving our sincerity to Him, establishing that we recognize His infinite knowledge and wisdom. illustrating how we rely upon Him for help, and proving our sincerity to Him, establishing that we recognize His infinite knowledge and wisdom. Islam is likened to being as a house, and in my estimation nothing cements that house together as well as putting our trust in Allaah.

It is related on the authority of Jabir ibn ‘Abdullah that the Prophet (s.a.w) used to teach his companions to seek, through a special du’a (known as an istikharah), the guidance of Allaah in all matters which affected them. RasulAllaah (s.a.w) said: “When you are confused about what you should do in a certain situation, then pray two rak’at of nafl salaat and read the following du’a (du’a of istikharah).”

To read the way and more detail about Istikhara prayer CLICK HERE

I am surprised at the criticisms thrown at this du’a, and of its negligence. We are humans, powerless in this sphere of life, knowledgeable only enough to survive. So why shouldn’t we turn to Allaah and seek His perfect help whenever we require it? Allaah responds to the call of His servant when he asks for guidance, and we are after all seeking to do something in order to please Him.

Many wrong notions exist concerning istikharah. Many Muslims will pray, read the du’a, and run to bed expecting to see a dream showing them their future wife, what her favorite color is, and some other weird fantasy. That is not the purpose of this salaat.

The results of an istikharah can take many forms. Basically, you go by your feelings, (i.e. you think about everything carefully and then make a decision ) . Also, you may notice events have changed, either for or against you – so you re-evaluate your situation again – and perhaps your decision might change. Finally, as a wonderful gift from Allaah, you may be blessed with a dream.

The Prophet (s.a.w) once sent Zainab a proposal of marriage. She refused to accept the proposal straight away, expressing her intention to refer the matter to Allaah: “I do not do anything until I solicit the will of my Lord.” Allaah, the Responsive, answered her plea for help and revealed an ayah approving of the marriage. We may seem shocked at her refusal to accept a proposal from what is the best husband any woman can have, yet she was just recognizing that it is Allaah who knows how successful such a marriage will be, and as a sign of appreciation, that reply is now preserved in our Holy Book: al Qur’an.

The Prophet (s.a.w) once said to Aisha: “I saw you in a dream for three nights when an angel brought you to me in a silk cloth and he said: ‘Here is your wife’, and when I removed (the cloth) from your face, lo, it was yourself, so I said: ‘if this is from Allaah, let Him carry it out’ “. Marriage is a serious step, and requires the right attitude. If marriage completes half our faith, shouldn’t that half be the best half? A woman married for the wrong reasons can only weaken the Muslim household. Consider that she will be your life-long companion, the rarer of your children.

Don’t marry her for her worldly wealth, but for her wealth in Islamic wisdom and knowledge. Her status in this life is but illusionary, so choose her for her status in the sight of Allaah. Beauty is but superficial, but the beauty of Iman is transcendent. When asking Allaah for a wife, call upon Him by His beautiful names, as He has commanded us:

“For Allaah are certain and dignified names: therefore call upon Him by them”[s.7;v.189].

Ask for a companion who is devout, pious, patient and so on. Be among those who say:

“Our Lord, may our spouses and our offspring be a joy to our eyes and make us leaders of the righteous”[al-Furqan,74].

We cannot provide a better conclusion than saying that we must put your trust in Allaah. You must have trust in His concern for us, and His ability to help us. Allaah says:

“Put your trust in Allaah, for Allaah loves those who put their trust in Him”[s.3;v.159].

May Allaah help us in our sincere efforts in following His commandments and the way of His beloved servant, and provide us with wives whom He loves.

“When my servants ask you concerning Me, I am indeed close (to them): I respond to the prayer of every supplicant when he calls on Me: let them also, with a will, listen to my call, and believe in Me: that they may walk in the right way”[al-Baqarah,v.186]

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In The name of Allah,The Most Merciful,The Most gracious

Beat Your Wifes ? – Remove your Misconception ! 


Why the Quran tells men to “beat them” meaning their wives? (chapter 4, verse 34)

Transliteration

Alrrijalu qawwamoona AAala alnnisa-i bima faddala Allahu baAAdahum AAala baAAdin wabima anfaqoo min amwalihim faalssalihatu qanitatun hafithatun lilghaybi bima hafitha Allahu waallatee takhafoona nushoozahunna faAAithoohunna waohjuroohunna fee almadajiAAi waidriboohunna fa-in ataAAnakum fala tabghoo AAalayhinna sabeelan inna Allaha kana AAaliyyan kabeeran

Meaning of the Words

For the three words fa’izu, wahjaru, and wadribu in the original, translated here ‘speak to them in a persuasive manner’, ‘leave them alone (in bed – fi’l-madage‘),’ and ‘have intercourse’, respectively, see Raghib Lisan al-’Arab and Zamakhsari. Raghib in his Al-Mufridat fi Gharib al-Qur’an gives the meanings of these words with special reference to this verse. Fa-’izu, he says, means to ‘to talk to them so persuasively as to melt their hearts.’
(See also v.63 of this Surah where it has been used in a similar sense.)

Hajara – Wahjaru (do not touch or moleste them)

Hajara, he says, means to separate body from body, and points out that the expression wahjaru hunna metaphorically means to refrain from touching or molesting them. Zamakhshari is more explicit in his Kshshaf when he says, ‘do not get inside their blankets.’

Here is the translation of meaning of the verse as best can be defined according to the rules of understanding Quran with the explanations following this translation:

“Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allah has made one of them to excel the other, and because they spend (to support them) from their means. Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient (to Allah), and guard in the husband’s absence what Allah orders them to guard (e.g. their chastity, their husband’s property, etc.). Regarding women guilty of lewd, or indecent behavior, admonish her (if she continues in this indecency then), stop sharing her bed (if she still continues doing this lewd behavior, then), [set forth for her the clear meaning of either straighten up or else we are finished and when she returns to proper behavior take up sharing the bed with her again], but if she returns in obedience (to proper behavior and conduct) then seek not against them means (of annoyance). Surely, Allah is Ever Most High, Most Great.”

Let me begin by explaining the English language is not powerful enough when it comes to translating the meanings of the Arabic of the Quran. Nor for that matter, is any other language on earth. So, all we have is translations of meanings according to the best understanding of the translators.

The operative word in this verse in Arabic is “daraba.” While there are literally hundreds of uses for this word varying from “tap” to “walk in stride” to “strike at something” to “set a clear example”, the only meaning that can be assigned to something in the Quran must be according to the rules of Quran. And Allah has used the same word a number of times with a consistent meaning. Let us examine them. Here is what we find from the scholars of the Arabic language:
Daraba (to have intercourse, not to beat)

Raghib points out that daraba metaphorically means to have intercourse, and quotes the expression darab al-fahl an-naqah, ‘the stud camelcovered the she-camel,’ which is also quoted by Lisan al-’Arab. It cannot be taken here to mean ‘to strike them (women).’ This view is strengthened by the Prophet’s authentic hadith found in a number of authorities, including Bukhari and Muslim: “Could any of you beat your wife as he would a slave, and then lie with her in the evening?” There are other traditions in Abu Da’ud, Nasa’i, Ibn Majah, Ahmad bin Hanbal and others, to the effect that he forbade the beating of any woman, saying: “Never beat God’s handmaidens.”

Source: al-Qur’an: a contemporary translation by Ahmed Ali, Princeton University Press, 1988; pp78-79
Daraba (to set forth, to make a clear statement or proclamation)
One of the key rules of understanding words of the Quran is to go to other places in the Quran to investigate the usage in other places. This word is used by Allah in other places in the Quran to mean “set forth” or “sets up for you” or “makes known to you” – as is demonstrated in the following verses:

Surah Ar-Ra’d (13:17) yadribu Allahu al-amthala “Thus Allah sets forth a parable”
[here the word "yadirbu" is from the exact same root da-ra-ba]

Surah Ibrahim (14:24): Alam tara kayfa daraba Allahu mathalan .. “Don’t you see how Allah sets forth a parable?..”
And again in the next verse: Surah Ibrahim (14:25) wa yadribu Allahu al-amthala li-naasi

“..and Allah sets forth parables for mankind..” [again the word yadirbu is from da-ra-ba]

Surah An-Nur (24:35) wa yadribu Allahu al0amthala lin-naasi

“And Allah sets forth parables for mankind..”

Surah Ar-Rum (30:28) Daraba lakum mathalan min anfusikum “He sets forth for you a parable from yourselves..”

Surah At-Tahreem (66:10) Daraba Allahu mathalan lillatheena kafaroo.. “Allah sets forth an example for those disbelievers..”

In fact, the word daraba has not been translated to mean (beat) or (hit) or (strike) in any other verse of the Quran except this one.
The words for (beat) as in [to hit] found in Surah Baqarah 2:275 … kama yaqoomu allathee yatakhabbatuhu ash-shaytanu mina almassi..

“..like the standing of someone beaten by the devil (Satan) leading him to insanity.“

And in Surah Ta Ha 20:18 Allah Says, “Qala hiya Aasaya atawakkao Aalayha waahushshu biha Aala ghanamee waliya feeha maaribu okhra.”

“This is my stick, whereon I lean, and wherewith I beat down branches for my sheep and wherein I find other uses.”
As you can see, these are not even related to the word (daraba).

Verses 34 and 35 in Surah An-Nisaa’ need to be read together to understand this is the proper relationship between men and women in general and husband and wife specifically.

Islam seeks to hold the family together and to make peace and reconciliation between spouses. The next verse makes it clear what to do in the case where it seems that divorce may be the result of the uncorrected bad behavior. It stresses appointing arbitrators from both sides and seeks reconciliation.

The first part of 34 deals with all men taking care of all women. Then goes on to explain the wife’s proper obedience to Allah because He is the One Who has ordained this relationship of provision and protection for her and to be appreciative and respectful of her husband, guarding herself and his property in his absence. The man is told the proper way to behave when he finds his wife not complying with decency and proper behavior of a Muslim wife. He has a direct order to begin with admonishing her and then if there is compliance to leave her be and don’t give her a hard time about it. However, if this continues, he should not have sex with her and this makes it clear to her that he is most serious and this not a joke. Again, if she comes around then he is to let it go and not bother her about it. Finally, if she still insists on such lewdness and bad conduct, he is to make it clear to her in no uncertain terms that they are going to be heading for separation or even divorce unless she comes back to proper behavior. Again, if she complies, then he should not bring it up and return to the bed with her.

And of course, this is all in an effort to translate one short but powerful phrase from Arabic to English. The sources are quoted herein and there may be other interpretations but the only acceptable ones are those based on the teachings of the Quran and the prophet, peace be upon him.

And as always, Allahu ‘Alim (Allah is the Knower)

Source: al-Qur’an: a contemporary translation by Ahmed Ali, Princeton University Press, 1988; pp78-79
In the past, some translators of this verse have mistakeningly used the word “beat” or “hit” or even “scourge” (as in the case of an old translation) to represent the word “daraba” in Arabic. This is not the opinion of all scholars especially Raghib and Zamakhshari as mentioned above and those who are well grounded in both Islam understanding and the English language.

Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allâh has made one of them to excel the other, and because they spend (to support them) from their means. Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient (to Allâh and to their husbands), and guard in the husband’s absence what Allâh orders them to guard (e.g. their chastity, their husband’s property, etc.). As to those women on whose part you see ill conduct, admonish them (first), (next), refuse to share their beds, (and last) beat them (lightly, if it is useful), but if they return to obedience, seek not against them means (of annoyance). Surely, Allâh is Ever Most High, Most Great.

The understanding now is that some of the translations are not properly representing the spirit of the meaning. Therefore, they cannot be considered to be the representation of what has been intended by Almighty God.
Now we can properly understand that Almighty God has commanded the men to provide for the women and allow them to keep all of their wealth, inheritance and income without demanding anything from them for support and maintenance. Additionally, if she should be guilty of lewd or indecent conduct, the husband is told to first, admonish her and then if she would cease this lewdness. If she should continue in this indecency, then he should no longer share the bed with her, and this would continue for a period of time. Finally, if she would repent then he would take up sharing the bed with her again.

Islam forbids beating women and warns strictly against it. The Prophet (Peace be upon Him) never beat any of his wives or servants, as his wife Aishah (may Allah exalt their mention) reported in an authentic tradition (Bukhari #2328).

Women are, in general, weaker than men in their physique and stamina. Women are often unable to defend themselves against violence. Although beating of women is generally forbidden, Islam permits the beating of wives in a restricted and limited sense only as a final solution and acceptable valid reason when all else fails. This is analogous to spanking children when all else fails and they must learn a lesson in obedience for their own protection and success. In the verse we quoted, Allah deals with the case of a wife who behaves immorally towards her husband’s rights. The treatment of this extremely sensitive issue comes in gradual stages, as we have noticed from the verse. Medicine, or treatment of any ailment, can be very bitter at times. But an ill person will take the remedy gladly and bear the bitterness of the medicine in order to be cured from his illness. The remedy to treat a wife blameworthy of immoral behavior, as we have noticed, comes in three gradual stages:

First stage:

The stage of advice, counseling and warning against Allah’s punishment. A husband must remind his wife of the importance of protecting his rights in Islam. This stage is a very kind and easy one. But, if this treatment does not work and proves to be ineffective, then the husband may resort to the next stage.

Second stage

To leave the wife’s bed. Or, if one sleeps in the same bed with her, he will turn his back to her, not touch her, talk to her or have intercourse with her. This stage, as noticed, combines both strictness and kindness, although it is a very harsh practice on both. But, if this treatment does not work, then the husband may resort to the final stage of discipline explained below.

Third and final stage:

Beating without hurting, breaking a bone, leaving black or blue marks on the body, and avoiding hitting the face or especially sensitive places at any cost. The purpose of beating her is only to discipline and never retaliation or with desire to hurt by any means. Islam forbids severe beating as punishment.

The Prophet (Peace be upon Him) said:

“None of you should beat his wife like a slave-beating and then have intercourse with her at the end of the day”. [Bukhari #4908]

This treatment is proved to be very effective with two types of women, as psychologists have determined:

The first type: Strong willed, demanding and commandeering women. These are the type of women who like to control, master and run the affairs of their husbands by pushing them around, commanding them and giving them orders.

The second type: Submissive or subdued women. These women may even enjoy being beaten at times as a sign of love and concern.

G. A. Holdfield, a European psychologist, in his book Psychology and Morals states the following:

“The instinct of submission strengthens at times, in the human being so much that a submissive person will enjoy seeing someone overpowering him, over-ruling him and being cruel to him. Such a submissive person bears the consequences of his submission due to the fact that he enjoys the pain. This is a wide spread instinct amongst women, even if they do not realize it. For this very reason, women are well known for bearing more pain than men. A wife, from this type of women, becomes more attracted and admiring of her husband when he beats her. Nothing, on the other hand, will sadden some women, as much as a soft, very kind and very obedient husband who is never upset regardless of being challenged!”

Beating, according to the Islamic teachings, is listed as the last and final stage of disciplining methods. Islam does not permit, allow or even condone beating unless the first two stages are proven to be ineffective. Moreover, beating must not be employed as a remedy, if a wife prefers to be divorced.

The three stages of discipline stated in the verse of the Glorious Qur’an are only meant to be a means of discipline for the protection of the family unit. One form of destruction of a family is when the wife becomes a victim of divorce. Islam aims to relieve unnecessary pains, problems and conflicts.

The practice of beating wives is in other non-Muslim societies is far more brutal and frequent. Wife beatings in theses societies are often with intent to inflict pain and harm to the wife; something strictly prohibited in Islam as mentioned previously. Recent statistics show that in Britain, the number of wives who have been brutally beaten by their husbands has risen from 6,400 in 1990 to 30,000 in 1992. This number jumped to 65,400 women in 1995. Statisticians expect this number to double 124,400 towards the end of the twentieth century! These statistics, as the report says, were based on information gathered from the police department. But, what about the unreported cases of wife beating, and the beating of women in general, which are not reported!

Mrs. Annie Besant compared Islamic Laws and Western legislation on women’s rights and said:

“Islamic Laws are among the best laws known to the world, insofar as woman is concerned. It is the most fair and just legislation. It exceeds the Western legislation concerning real estate, inheritance and divorce laws. It acts as a guardian for women’s rights. Phrases such as One Wife is Sufficient for a man, and Polygamy, mystified people and turned them away from the real misery which Western women suffer from and live through. Many husbands left their wives after they got what they wanted from them. In fact such men show no care, concern or mercy for their wives.”

And Allah is All Knowing of the meanings. For more details Click below : 

 Do Muslim Beat their Wives ?? 

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In The name of Allah,The Most Merciful,The Most gracious

Taking The Husband’s Name After Marriage – Not

Based on Shareeah


In our eagerness to copy the West, we Muslims have adopted many of their practices which have no basis in the Sharee’ah. And among them is the practice of a woman changing her family name to that of her husband after she gets married.

The fact is that Islam does not require woman to change her name at marriage and there is nothing in the Sunnah to indicate that a woman should take her husband’s name after she gets married.

Actually, the Ulama tell us that this is an innovated practice that is not approved of in Islaam.

Now, I know some people will say…“ Oh, come on…What is the big deal?!!”

So read on and you will know what I mean….

The wives of the Prophet (Sal Allaahu Alaiyhi wa Sallam) are the Mothers of the Believers, and the Prophet (Sal Allaahu Alaiyhi wa Sallam), is the noblest of people and the best example. And yet when we look at their example, we will realize that when the Prophet(Sal Allaahu Alaiyhi wa Sallam) married any of his wives, NOT ONE of them took his name. On the contrary, each one of them kept her father’s name even if her father was a kaafir. Similarly, the wives of the Sahaabah and those who came after them did not change their names.

Did you ever think why they didn’t do that?

Surely, if it was a good thing, the wives of the Prophet(Sal Allaahu Alaiyhi wa Sallam) would have done it and the Prophet(Sal Allaahu Alaiyhi wa Sallam) would himself have instructed it and encouraged them to do it.

That is because it is Allaah’s order to keep your father’s name as an indication of your lineage.

“Call them (adopted sons) by (the names of) their fathers, that is more just with Allaah…” [al-Ahzaab 33:5].

And the Prophet (Sal Allaahu Alaiyhi wa Sallam) said: “Whoever calls himself by other than his father’s name, will be cursed by Allaah, the angels and all the people.” (Ibn Maajah -Saheeh by al-Albaani).

And he (Sal Allaahu Alaiyhi wa Sallam) also said:

“Whoever knowingly claims to belong to anyone other than his father, Paradise will be denied him.” (Ahmad, al-Bukhaari, Muslim).

Now some might argue….“But the woman is not claiming that her father is someone else. She is just honoring her husband or she doesn’t mean it that way. She just wants to belong to her husband out of love for him.”
To those people I say….

If it was a matter of honor to have the husbands name attached to the wife’s, wouldn’t our Ummahaat have done that??

Isn’t it the biggest honor in the WORLD to have the name of the Prophet(Sal Allaahu Alaiyhi wa Sallam) attached to yours?? And yet the wives of the Prophet(Sal Allaahu Alaiyhi wa Sallam) didn’t do that.

Ever wonder why??

And if it was a matter of expressing love for the husband, no relationship between a husband and wife on the face of this earth was better than the relationship between the Prophet(Sal Allaahu Alaiyhi wa Sallam) and his wives. And yet none of the Mothers of the Believers expressed their love for the Prophet (Sal Allaahu Alaiyhi wa Sallam) by changing their last names.

It doesn’t make any sense

The last name is an indication of the father of the person and represents the person’s lineage.

Shaykh Bakr Abu Zayd said: “This is one of the beauties of Sharee’ah, because calling a person by his father’s name is more appropriate for knowing who is who and telling people apart…..” (Tasmiyat al-Mawlood, 30, 31).

Originally, the woman is ‘the Daughter of So and so’, and NOT ‘the wife of So and so’. Since there is no blood relationship between the husband and wife, how can she take his last name as if she is part of the same lineage?

And surely, she is not claiming that he is her father!!!!

Also what happens if she gets divorced, or her husband dies, and she marries another man? Will she keep changing her surname every time she marries another man?

In addition to this, there are rulings attached to the woman being named after her father, which have to do with her inheritance, spending and who is her mahram, etc. Taking her husband’s last name overlooks all that.

Also, if you think about it, the husband is named after his own father, and what does she have to do with the lineage of her husband’s father? This goes against common sense and true facts.

Besides, the husband has nothing that makes him better than his wife’s father. So why should she give up her father’s name and  take her husband’s last name??

And why does the man get to keep his father’s name and not the woman??!!
It just doesn’t make any sense.

Sheikh Salih Al-Munajjid says:

“A woman changing her family name to that of her husband after she gets married is Haraam and is not allowed in Sharee’ah, because it is not permissible for anyone to claim to belong to anyone other than his or her father…… And Allaah knows best.”

Not only is it so in this world,  but, we will also be called by our father‘s name in the Hereafter as well. The Prophet (Sal Allaahu Alaiyhi wa Sallam) said:

“On the Day of Resurrection, each betrayer will have a banner raised beside him, and it will be said, this is the betrayer of So and so, the son of So and so.” (Bukhaari, Muslim).

So, all you single females out there, don’t be in such a hurry to change your maiden name after you get married. And those of you who have already done that, it is never too late. Take back your maiden name and reclaim your identity. It is part of the Sharee’ah.

By Asma bint Shameem


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In The name of Allah,The Most Merciful,The Most gracious

81 ways to win your Wife’s love


Marriage is a blessed contract between a man and a woman, in which each becomes “permitted” to the other, and they begin the long journey of life in a spirit of love, co operation, harmony and tolerance, where each feels at ease with the other, and finds tranquillity, contentment and comfort in the company of the other. The Qur’an has described this relationship between men and women, which brings love, harmony, trust and compassion, in the most moving and eloquent terms

Among His signs is [the fact] that He has created spouses for you among yourselves so that you may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has planted love and mercy between you; In that are signs for people who reflect. [Quran 20:30]

This is the strongest of bonds, in which Allah (SWT) unites the two Muslim partners, who come together on the basis of love, understanding, co-operation and mutual advice, and establish a. Muslim family in which children will live and grow up, and they will develop the good character and behaviour taught by Islam. The Muslim family is the strongest component of a Muslim society when its members are productive and constructive, helping and encouraging one another to be good and righteous, and competing with one another in good works. The righteous woman is the pillar, cornerstone and foundation of the Muslim family. She is seen as the greatest joy in a man’s life, as the Prophet (Peace be upon him) said:

“This world is just temporary conveniences, and the best comfort in this world is a righteous women.” Sahih Muslim 10/56, Kitab al-rida’, bab istihbab nikah al-bikr.

Allah informs us about the just rights of each other on us:

The wife’s rights (with regard to their husbands) are equal to the (husband’s) rights with regard to them, although men are a degree above them; and Allah is Almighty, Wise. [Quran 2:28]

“Consort with them graciously. If you dislike them, it may be that you dislike something in which Allah has placed much good. (4:20)

In today’s life of hustle and bustle, the family unit is becoming fragile by the day. Divorces are on the rise, and Muslims can no longer claim, as justifiably as before, that divorce is rare among Muslims or even much less than incidents of divorce among non-Muslims.

Let’s take on the men first, here’s how you can keep up your wife’s love:

1. Make her feel secure, don’t threaten her with divorce.
2. Give sincere Salaams.
3. Treat her gently, like a fragile vessel.
4. Advise in private, at the best time, in the best way and atmosphere.
5. Be generous with her.
6. Warm the seat for her, you will warm her heart.
7. Avoid anger, be in Wudhu at all times.
8. Look good and smell great for your wife.
9. Don’t be rigid or harsh-hearted or you will be broken.
10. Be a good listener.
11. Yes for flattery. No for arguing.
12. Call your wife with the best names, cute nicknames, and names she loves to hear.
13. A pleasant surprise.
14. Preserve and guard the tongue.
15. Expect, accept, and overlook her shortcomings.
16. Give sincere compliments.
17. Encourage her to keep good relations with her family.
18. Speak of the topic of her interest.
19. Express to her relatives, how wonderful she is.
20. Give each other gifts.
21. Get rid of routine, surprise her.
22. Have a good opinion of each other.
23. Have good manners, overlook small things, don’t nitpick.
24. Add a drop of patience, increase during pregnancy, menses.
25. Expect and respect her jealously.
26. Be humble.
27. Sacrifice your happiness for hers.
28. Help at home, with housework.
29. Help her love your relatives, but don’t try to force her.
30. Let her know that she is the ideal wife for you.
31. Remember your wife in Du’a.
32. Leave the past for Allah, don’t dwell on, dig into, or bring it up.
33. Don’t act as if you are doing her a favor by working or providing, Allah is the Provider, the husband is the carrier of the sustenance to the family.
34. Take Shaitan as your enemy, not your wife.
35. Put food in your wife’s mouth.
36. Treat your wife like she is the most precious pearl that you want to protect.
37. Show her your smile.
38. Don’t ignore the small things, deal with them before they be come big.
39. Avoid being harsh-hearted.
40. Respect and show that you appreciate her thinking.
41. Help her to find and build her inner strengths and skills.
42. Respect that she might not be in mood for intimacy, stay within Halaal boundaries.
43. Help her take care of the children.
44. Give her gifts with your tongue, be an artist with your compliments.
45. Sit down and eat meals together.
46. Let her know that you will be traveling or returning from travel, give her sufficient notice.
47. Don’t leave home in anger.
48. Maintain the secrecy and privacy of the home.
49. Encourage each other in worship.
50. Respect and fulfill her rights upon you.
51. Live with her in kindness, goodness, fairness in good and bad times.
52. Kiss your wife, foreplay, don’t jump on her like a bull.
53. Keep disputes between the two of you, don’t take it outside.
54. Show care for her health and well-being.
55. Remember you are not always right or perfect yourself.
56. Share your happiness and sadness with her.
57. Have mercy for her weaknesses.
58. Be a firm support for her to lean on.
59. Accept her as is, she is a package deal.
60. Have a good intention for her.
61. Cook a dish for her.
62. Designate a nice, clean, spacious area in your home for the two of you to pray at night whenever you can.
63. Women love flowers. Make a trail of them on the floor leading to the gift you made for her.
64. Give her a nice massage when she least expects it.
65. Send your wife a text message out of the blue with a message of love.
66. Send your wife an email without a reason.
67. Go out on a date or a get-away for the weekend in a nice location, preferably without kids.
68. Do something for your wife’s family, whether it is a gift, or a chat with her teen brother who needs mentoring, or whatever. It will get you lots of brownie points.
69. Do not keep reminding and demanding your rights all the time.
70. Shop groceries for her and call her from the store and ask her what she needs for the home, for herself or for her to give to people as gifts.
71. Ask her if she would like to invite her female friends over for ladies only get together and arrange for the dinner.
72. Ask her to send gifts to her parents and siblings.
73. Help her parents pay off debt. Send her poor relatives some money.
74. Write love notes or poems and place them in the book she’s been reading.
75. If she tells you something she had just learned from the Qur’an or Hadith, do not dismiss her or ridicule her effort, instead listen to her and take her word.
76. Plant her a kitchen garden with all kind of herbs she needs for cooking.
78. Update her PC or laptop with a new one or get her a new mobile phone.
79. Learn to do a special massage technique and surprise her with your new expertise.
80. Teach your children to respect and honor their mother.
81. Be humorous with her when she makes a mistake in the kitchen (like when she put too much salt or burnt her baking).


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In The name of Allah,The Most Merciful,The Most gracious

11 tips for Muslim couples dealing with marital disputes in the West

Marriages usually start off so nicely. Everyone cooperates-the couple, their parents, other relatives, friends. Things usually run smoothly.

But somewhere along the way, marital disputes pop up. This is of course natural, but these can escalate to dangerous levels if not dealt with correctly.

1. Money

Couples argue over many things but money is by far one of the most frequent and serious. The solution is to discuss issues openly and consult within the family.

For instance, the issue of a wife working outside the home can become a contentious one. This should preferably be discussed before marriage. Also, if she does decide to work and the husband agrees, does she want to contribute a certain portion to household expenses or will she keep all of the money for herself (which is her right)?

One of the ways to avoid arguments about money is to simply make an easy budget which tracks expenses, income, investments, and establishes a framework for taking care of regular family necessities (see a sample budget for a family.

Also, learn how to make a budget and deal with debt. If you are a young student, keep in mind you have to pay off student loans. You should also know where to get interest-free loans and what assistance is available

2. In-laws

In-laws are the focus of blame and reproach when there are marital disputes. But there are ways to maintain a good relationship with them. Here are some tips:

a. Remember your spouse’s parents have known them longer and loved them longer. Never make an issue about “me or them”.

b. Let respective parties settle their own disputes. If your mother-in-law has a problem with her husband, let them deal with it. Don’t interfere

c. Don’t tell your spouse how to improve their relationship with their parents.

d. Expect some adjustment time for parents after marriage to adjust to this new relationship.

e. Remember that mothers are usually skeptical about daughter-in-laws and fathers about son-in-laws.

e. Always treat your in-laws with compassion, respect and mercy.

f. Maintain a balance between your needs and that of your in-laws.

g. Never compare your wife to your mother or your husband to your dad.

h. Do not go to your parents with your quarrels.

i. If you are supporting your parents financially inform your spouse as a matter of courtesy and clarity.

j. Do not forbid your spouse from seeing family unless you fear for their religion and safety.

k.Do not divulge secrets.

l. Make time to know your in-laws but stay out of their disputes.

m. Maintain the Adab (etiquettes) of Islam with your sister- and brother-in-laws (i.e.no hugging or kissing).

n. You are not obliged to spend every weekend with your in-laws.

o. Give grandparents easy and reasonable access to their grandchildren.

p. Be forgiving and keep your sense of humor.

q. Remember that nobody can interfere or influence your marriage unless you allow them to.

r. Invite in-laws at least once a month for a meal.

s. Visit them when you can and encourage your spouse to visit their parents and regularly check on them.

t. When parents become dependent on their children, a serious discussion with all parties present should take place. Expectations and requirements of such a living arrangement must be worked out.

3. Parenting

The tug of war that results from differing understandings of parenting are also a source of tension in marriage. One solution is to start learning about Islamic parenting before having children. If you already have kids, you can still learn.

4. Stress

Stress is an almost constant factor in most people’s lives in North America. Muslim couples are no exception. Stress from work, for example, is carried into the home.

Couples and families need to work out a coping mechanism in the family. For instance, couples can take a walk to talk about the day or go to the Masjid for at least one prayer. They can read Quran individually or together. The methods can vary, but as long as they are Halal and work, they can be used.

5. Domestic violence

This is an extremely sad reality and unless it is dealt with promptly by victims, perpetrators and/or those concerned about the two, then the family will break. Seeking help is necessary and if domestic violence is not stopped, the destructive effects will not only be harmful to the husband and wife, but to their children as well.

Family members, friends and Imams need to stop the abuse. They must intervene and work on getting help for the husband and the wife.

6. Spiritual incompatibility

This is a growing problem in North America, where Muslims from all around the world live and different understandings of Islam are present. There is a disturbing lack of tolerance amongst young Muslims, especially, who may get sucked into cult-like groups which preach a “we’re right and everyone else is wrong” mentality, whether the issue is where you put your hands in prayer or whether you decide to wear Western clothes or traditional Eastern ones.

This intolerance is being transferred to marriages, where a couple may differ on minor points of faith. Married couples must understand the difference between an Islamically acceptable difference of opinion and one that is not. They must develop a tolerance, balance and respect for their differences on that basis.

7. Sexual dysfunction

This is one of the least talked about problems, but it is one that is wreaking havoc in a number of marriages. Many couples who are marrying are not learning the Islamic perspective on sex and marriage. As a result, when they are not satisfied with their spouse, a number of them may turn to others or seek easy divorce, instead of a solution.

Couples have to understand that the marital relationship in this area, as in others, needs work and patience and cannot be the subject of whims and impatience. Knowledge, practice and if possible, the advice of a wise, compassionate scholar are two key elements in finding a solution to this problem.

8. Interfaith marriages

Islam forbids marriage between Muslim women and non-Muslim men. There are a number of Muslim women who have taken this step and regretted it later. Such an action, in most Muslim families, results in the woman being isolated from her family with no support. As a result, when marital disputes do arise, parental support, which is there for many Muslim couples, is not there for these women. These Muslim women may also experience guilt for disobeying Allah and hurting their parents.

In other cases, Muslim women ask non-Muslim men they want to marry to convert shortly before the marriage to appease their parents. Again this can lead to marital disputes. Two things usually happen. Either the man becomes a truly practicing Muslim and the couple is no longer compatible; or he’s bombarded with Muslims from the community wanting to invite him to Islam and he gets upset and may hate Islam.

In the case of Muslim men marrying Jewish and Christian women, the situation is different. While Islam does allow this, Muslim men marrying Jews and Christians need to remember that living in the West, if they end up divorcing, the children will almost automatically be given to the mother. Also, remember that the mother is the child’s most important school. If you want your kids to grow up as practicing Muslims, you are better off marrying a practicing Muslim woman, especially in the West, where the unIslamic cultural influences outside the home are strong enough. Inside the home, it will become even harder to maintain Islamic influences if a mother is not a practicing Muslim herself.

9. Intercultural marriages

While Islam does not forbid intercultural marriages, they can become a source of tension when Muslims, primarily the couple, but also their families, make their culture more important than Islam. If parental support is there for an intercultural marriage, things are smoother for the couple. If there is not, and if there is even hostile opposition on the part of one or both sets of parents, it could be better to not marry the person in the long run.

10. Lack of domestic skills

While girls are being encouraged to become scientists, engineers and doctors, for instance, there is little to no emphasis being placed on gaining domestic skills. It should be remembered that in Islam, while women are not forbidden from working within Islamic guidelines, and men are encouraged to help with housework, women’s primary duty is within the home as a home manager and mother. As a result of the lack of domestic skills, many married couples find themselves in messy homes, where meals lack proper nutrition and in general, there is frustration.

If a married couple is working, husbands need to pitch in more in the home and remember that their wife is a not a machine, but a human being who also needs rest after a hard day of work.

11. The modern Muslim woman meets the old-fashioned Muslim man

While young Muslim women of the West are being encouraged to be strong and confident, boys are being raised in the same way and with the same cultural expectations as their fathers. As a result, young couples face a tug of war, when the old-fashioned, young Muslim boy won’t lift a finger around the house (since he never saw his dad do this) and his young Muslim wife expects him to pitch in, as the Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) did with his wives.

As well, a number of young Muslim men expect their wives not to argue with them since they never saw their mother cross their father. This is once again cultural. But what is clear is that boys and girls are being raised very differently. Parents have to be more careful to give proper training to both children. As well, parents need to intervene in cases of dispute of this nature and be fair, not favor their own child.

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